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What if I killed myself? 
21st-Apr-2010 10:50 am
So I was watching hulu (because I can never, ever, ever remember to watch anything on tv), and I saw a "What if?" commercial. I don't know if you're familiar with these, but I was not. You see, it starts out with shots of beautiful, smiling young women, in varied settings, and a cheerful, optimistic narrator. The words "What if?" flash across the screen, followed by things like, "...you went to law school? ...took an acting class? ...bought a ticket to Prague? ...met someone you really like?" etc. But it is after that fateful phrase that things take a turn for the worse. It begins deceptively enough--"What if he really liked you too?"--but then, out of nowhere, "What if he gave you HPV?"

Oh my, commercial! I didn't see that coming. But wait, that's not the worst part. Here, the voice-over actress changes her tune. Suddenly, her attitude swaps from used-car-salesman-level energy to Vincent Price-style doom-and-gloom.

"What if it never went away? What if years later, it turned into CERVICAL CANCER? What if you had to have SURGERY? What if you could NEVER HAVE KIDS AGAIN? What if it got REALLY BAD?" [Cue woman in chemotherapy, all her hair fallen out, staring listlessly at the floor like she wants to die.]

Holy crap. I hadn't thought of that, commercial. You're right, I'm probably going to die a long, slow, horrible death from cervical cancer one day.

That is, if the stress from this country's encouraged hypochondria doesn't get me first.
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